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10 THOUGHTS WE HAD WHILE WATCHING SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY

SPOILER ALERT: Han shot first.

Movies/TV

10 THOUGHTS WE HAD WHILE WATCHING SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY

We saw Solo. It was lots of fun. Now we are going to make fun of it. Enjoy!

 

1. Those “Oh, so that’s how,” moments we were okay with.

  • How Solo got his nameSecurity? Background check? Proof of identity? Nahh, We’ll just give you a last name, since you don’t seem to have one. Flying Solo? Okay, you’re Han Solo now. Have fun!

 

  • How Chewy and Solo metChained up enslaved beast? I’ll be your white savior, and we can fly together into adventure and mischief! 

 

  • How Solo won the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxyHow do you beat a cheater? By cheating. You mad?

 

  • How Solo got those dice – No, we actually still don’t know where they came from. Oh well. 

 

2. We were here for Chewy unabashedly showering with Solo.

  • Han: Couldn’t we have done this at separate times?
  • Audience: Hell no. This is hilarious.
  • Chewy: Why?

 

3. Thanks, but no thanks for the constant “dice for luck” references.

 

  • Why do I feel like I’m supposed to be emotionally attached to these dice?
  • Oh, the dice again. Got it. Stop it now.

 

  • The dice. Again? Oh, C’mon… oh… well I guess that works – for chronology’s sake.

 

4. Cool new characters? Let’s kill them off in the saddest way.

 

 

  • Hi, Thandie Newton! Oh. Bye, Thandie Newton.

 

  • Seriously. New, funny, CGI pilot? Okay, let’s make sure he dies within the first 30 minutes of the movie, in a plane with a stranger (Solo), so that Solo has a reason to show off his flying skills. 

 

  • Amazingly witty female identifying robot (if a robot can be a female?), who frees enslaved robots (if a robot can be enslaved?), and isn’t here for anyone’s sh*t…? Let’s kill her too. But also, she’s a robot! Fix her dammit! – Oh, she’s part of the ship now? Okay, I guess that’s fine.

 

  • Also, how is it that you get us so emotionally attached to robots, Star Wars Franchise? What sorcery is this?

 

5. Our Lady Queen of Dragons, you sly, sly woman. 

  • It’s Qui’ra… with a Q… as in Queen…

… … … of Dragons. Okay, I’m done…

…Our Khaleesi! (okay, now I’m done)(whispers) Khaleesi!

 

6. It’s Han, not HAN! (You totally heard the difference in your head, didn’t you…)

  • No wonder Lando still pronounces your name incorrectly. You only corrected him once, and then said “but it’s fine.”

 

 

7. Lando is totally pansexual and we’re here for it. Fight me.

  • He totally has the hots for Han, his 1st mate robot, L-3, Qui’ra, and anything that breathes pretty much. No, actually, he’s not pansexual. He’s a free-ass-m*ther-f***er, if you ask me, and we’re here for it.

 

  • L-3: It works. Audience: Oh, WORD???

 

8. HA! Your brain told you the head pirate was a man and that he was evil. You were so wrong. Check your gender norms, kid.

 

  • By the way, I’m totally cosplaying her. DIBS!
  • Do you NOT see how badass this is?
  • Also, whose daughter is she? There HAS to be more to this story! TELL US!

 

9. Oh sh*t! It’s Willow!

 

 

  • Who also played Wicket the Ewok!

 

  • Star Wars Franchise…we see what you did there. And we’re here for it.

 

 

10. C’mon, you knew Qui’ra wasn’t “right behind you”. No one is ever “right behind someone” who says so in a movie. That’s Movie Tropes 101. But what you didn’t know was…

 

  • HOLY SH*T!!! DARTH MAUL!!!! YES!!! FINALLY GETTING THE STORY HE DESERVES IN SOLO PART 2!!!??? (Cue audience screaming, which they did, for far too long. Okay, shh, I want to hear what he’s saying! Crazy nerds.)

    Surprise, nerds! You thought you could just throw me down a hole and be done with it? Think again.

  • As far as Darth Maul in Solo 2 goes, we sure do hope so, friends. We sure do hope so.

 

  • Also, will Yoda be in it? Asking for a friend.

 

 

 

Article written by: Lorisse Alicia Ortiz-Bentiné, creator of Broken Dolls and Robotic Hearts, new play and graphic novel, coming soon. Published by Inbeon, illustrated by Justin Fischetto.
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